Putting The Squeeze On The Tooth Fairy

I always wondered what happened to my teeth once the tooth fairy took them away in the dark of the night. Eventually I just figured that the most obvious and practical option was the most likely – the fairy takes the teeth down underground somewhere and melts them all down into molten teeth. The fairy then purifies the molten teeth, whitening them and removing all that nasty discolouration. Once the liquid is pipping hot it is poured into silver metal moulds in the shape of unicorns. Once cooled the new tooth unicorn statue is added to the “Unicorn Garden” – a growing pile of pristinely white statues spreading wildly over a simple green lawn.

At this point things get fuzzy, because I’m not sure if the unicorn statues come to life every Hallowe’en, sadly watching costumed children (in who’s mouth the unicorns once dwelt) traipse about collecting tooth-rotting candy from strangers, or if the fairy uses them in demonic rituals, animating them as grotesque creatures who’s sole desire in life is to bring the world to a thundering, shattering, enamel drenched end.

But I digress.

Scientists in Edmonton have miniaturized a device that will allow a tooth to be regrown from a root – how cool is that? Forget false teeth! I’ll just regrow my missing/broken/chipped tooth! It only takes a few months. Combine this new device with an interest in using stem cells to create new teeth and we have a brand new way of growing teeth. What used to be something we experienced only as children can soon be relived by all of us – well, all of us with the cash to pay for it.

So now the Unicorn Garden may start to grow a little faster – people will be jettisoning teeth throughout their lives not just as children but repeatedly as adults as their teeth grow old and fall out or get bashed about by flying pucks. So either the garden will have to be expanded beyond the underground lair (how cool would that be?) or the fairy will be doing more demonic rituals. Could this mean a return of the unicorn to modern day zoological references? If so, does it mean we should see them only on Hallowe’en, or is this simple Edmontonian discovery a harbinger of the end of the world?